Posted by: performanceproduction | March 8, 2012

A Recipe

A lot of you make good food, and write up instructions on how to do the same, so here’s mine.

Maple Meatballs

1) Decide it’s too late and you’re too lazy to go out to your favourite restaurant and order the kangaroo tacos they have on special, even though it sounds like fucking heaven in a tortilla.

2) Decide you want to make meatballs.

3)Realise you don’t have pork or veal, just beef.


5)Decide to go through with it, mix beef, bread crumbs, salt, pepper,  mustard seed, oregano, rosemary, basil, finely chopped onion.

6) Look in refrigerator for eggs.  Realise there are none.


8) Substitute a handfull of chia seeds, a healthy splash of scotch, and a good dose of maple syrup (real, obviously) for eggs.

9) Make a Manhattan, add a splash of Pimm’s #1 to it.

10)Halfway through step 9, remember that your big cast iron skillet is curing in bacon fat still.

11) Finish step 9

12)Roll 1″ balls with the mixture

13) Preheat oven to 375

14) Sear a few sides of the balls in the bacon fat.

15) Place entire skillet in oven.

16) Cook until done

17)  Drop into vodka sauce that you made half from scratch, half not.

18) Cook tortellini that you bought from Wegman’s

19) After thoroughly draining, toss with olive oil.

20) Coat liberally with poppyseeds.

21) Make another Manhattan

22) Serve with French bread, because Italian bread sucks in comparison.

23) Don’t take any pictures, because taking pictures of food is stupid.



  1. If only I ate red meat.

  2. I’ve been looking for the perfect egg substitute!

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